Ну чтож я честно прочитал английский источник (спасибо Lopez за это), и теперь хотел бы сказать Шейну: "Чувак, я понимаю что ты молодой и энергичный, но перед тем как бить себя в грудь, неплохо бы проверить свои знания и интеллект. А то "все вокруг дураки, а я единственный умный" - настоящая подростковая болезнь. Но не боись Шейн, если ты не идиот до конца дней своих, то оно пройдет - это возрастное."
А теперь пройдемся Шейн по твоему школьному сочинению:
Swimming
Why it sucks:
As amazing as that sounds, you’re also treated to sluggish movement as you inch towards your goal like a sperm without a tail. Using modified flight controls, game developers insist you struggle with analog sticks while praying you don’t swim off course. Screw up and you’re stuck endlessly circling about like a handicapped buzzard in a pool of molasses.
From Grand Theft Auto to Tomb Raider and even the brand-new Super Mario Galaxy, not one game in recent memory has perfected swimming or made it remotely fun, no matter how many times it’s given us a glimpse into Lara Croft’s birth canal.
It’s also given us the worst and most fearsome death animations we’ve ever seen. Forget severed heads or exploding faces; you’ll have to watch the face of your character coming to grips with their own mortality as they frantically clutch at their throats, their eyes rolling back after suffering a brain aneurism or cardiac arrest. Grim and disturbing.
Шейн, а ты в Ecco играл пупс доморощенный? Или мы гавкать умеем только на те игры, где плавание не является ключевым эллементом игрового процесса. А про 3d по умолчанию с дополнительной рукояткой для камеры это мы типа берем за данность - по другому значит не бывает? В Donkey Kong значит мы не плавали, а в God of war может камера управляемая?
Peripherals
Why they suck:
It’s hard to look cool when your apartment/dorm/bedroom is filled with Fisher-Price game accessories. To non-gamers, it looks like you collect toy replicas based on fantasies you had when you were six; like being a rock god or driving a car. It would be sad if it weren’t so damn accurate today - just replace make-believe with Rock Band.
In fact, we wonder why your tragic mess replicates mundane activities. For every Gibson guitar or GunCon, there’s a DDR dance mat, steering wheel or fishing controller set to embarrass your parents. We dare you to get laid with even a regular controller protruding from your TV, let alone those USB conga drums lying in day-old Panda Express boxes.
If you’re not ten years-old or at least a young parent, do yourself a favor and hide that shit in the closet.
Какие веселые довыды. А может не будем говорить за всех? Не твое это пупсово дело, знаешь Шейн. Если у тебя у подростка комплекс на игрушки в комнате, позорно видите ли ребенку признаться миру в том что он играет, ну так это твои личные проблемы - решай их со своим shrinkom.
Bullet time
Why it sucks:
You can’t play a game nowadays without slowing time to pull off some outlandish feat of agility, strength or steady aim. What was once an exciting new feature has become the new double-jump - a gameplay mechanic that developers rely on like a crutch. Rather than designing blood-pumping fair fights, games are now structured to highlight how aggressive enemies are. There’s no possible way you’re gonna ice thirty armed superguards with dual Uzis, unless you cheat your way through like some sort of temporal magician.
Moreover time-slowing seems like the only way to make old franchises seem relevant and hip (WWE SmackDown!, Spyro the Dragon, Tony Hawk, Burnout) or new titles feel distressingly old and outdated riding the extreme wave (TimeShift, Stranglehold, Resistance: Fall of Man). Remember, slow-motion shit is still shit.
А вот и главный рефрен нашего Шейна - в теории, и даже в начале, эта фишка была хороша. Но не хорошие разработчики взяли да понавтыкали её где можно и где нельзя. Поэтому, эта фишка говно! Логика просто титановая, даже оспаривать нечего (потому как она дедсадовская). "Все женщины сук*, поэтому я голубой" - вот она эта титановая логика нашего пупса.
Artificial pets/people
Why it sucks:
Games like The Sims or Nintendogs - while nut-bustingly popular - actually prey on how delusional you become. Caring for other people and pets is more like a digital tea party; you have all the means to do so in real life, but prefer your own mental creation.
After the initial wonder wears off, you realize you’re endlessly playing God for fake creatures. Which brings us to the inevitable question: Why the hell aren’t you doing this in real life? Where’s your Golden Retriever, your family, your new job? When you think about it, this is the worst sort of videogame escapism; compensating for something so normal, you could actually be doing it. This is probably the only case where we’d favor getting your ass outside over playing a game.
Хм, наверно теперь Шейну надо не играть в игры заказанные американской армией, а идти служить в Ирак. Что самое забавное, именно на это они и расчитаны. А тут Шейн признался, что имитировать то, что можно сделать в реальности, не правильно. Поэтому Шейн, собирай манатки и на сборный пункт.
Lens flare
Why it sucks:
…except that it’s a completely useless feature that does nothing but reaffirm that games aren’t photorealistic and you aren’t playing a movie. Lens flare was awesome the first time we saw it crop up. Soon, we couldn’t get away from the damn things. Every game started adding them to “increase” realism.
We do appreciate the irony that technology is being used to "realistically" duplicate something that we'd never see in real life because it only happens when you view the sun through a camera lens. The lens flare does absolutely nothing to gameplay, except when it actually obscures our ability to see what the hell is happening. There’s nothing like playing through a mediocre game with crap controls and stuttering animations only to come upon a glorious sunset with sunbeams streaking across your TV. Thanks for sinking cash into something that matters, developers.
Dear Shane, its not a feature, its an optical effect. И если ты не видишь разницы, то советую пойти подучиться. А касательно всего остального - это просто эстетически красиво, приломление света в анаморфной линзе. И не тебе Шейн вякать, когда множество профессиональных операторов и режиссеров это изначально дефект любят и используют.
Gesturing controls/interface
Why they suck:
By now, we’re sure that replacing a normal controller with your limbs won’t immerse you any more than bolting an actual sword to your wrist. You’re still only going to be able to perform the same canned animation as you would if you tapped a button. Face it: waggle-motion is the new button mash.
And sure, getting the whole clan together waving their arms like they just don’t care can be fun, but can any recent game with this control scheme keep your interest longer than the half-hour set aside for family time? We already know what it feels like to play a normal game like Twilight Princess with the minimal amount of movement necessary, and we bet you already figured out how to fidget just enough for that accelerometer to register.
And you look like an asshole when playing. Really, you do.
О, опять мальчику стыдно за то что ему приходиться дурачиться перед телевизором. Вот тебе Шейн стыдно, а другим весело - не мешай, закомплексованный, окружающим веселиться. А касательно влияния на восприятие игрового процесса - то чисто физически работая не только руками в процессе игры игрок чувствует большую вовлеченность. Это как переход от обычного 3d шлема к возможности не просто смотреть, но и физически имитировать присутствие.
Too many buttons
Why they suck:
Atari took this concept as gospel and tried to nuke the pissing match with the Jaguar’s 17 buttons. 17! Since then, all major platforms have tried to reverse Atari’s grave error in judgment and account for all buttons and thumbsticks, with varying degrees of success.
Earlier designs - like the Saturn and N64 controllers - felt like you were awkwardly groping a ten-pound dinner plate. And if you’re not doing that, then your man-hands are fumbling with petite buttons spaced nanometers apart.
Sadly, even the simplest games require you to carpal tunnel your way through by holding at least four buttons simultaneously to proceed down a hallway, walk forward, run, aim, shoot, jump, and possibly direct your squad mates. And to this day we have no clue why the Select or Back buttons still exist. Does anyone actually use these?
Ух ты, хоть что-то по делу. Вот только нового ты ничего не открыл, это и так понятно.
Stealth
Why it sucks:
Here are some kick-ass weapons - now don’t use them. Why dangle the carrot of advanced military tech if your main goal is to lurk around corners? With an explicit desire to remain hidden, a four-hour game increases to twenty.
Also, like bullet time, stealth gameplay renders you almost completely helpless against impervious enemies, which is great if you’re looking for grown-up hide and seek. The most offending games throw stealth bits into an action game to “break the flow,” yet usually frustrate gamers by taking away their arsenal. We’re looking at you Getaway: Black Monday or GTA: San Andreas.
Let’s not forget that “boring” doesn’t even begin to describe creeping down a hallway. Check out that flickering lightbulb; isn’t that suspenseful? How about that faint heartbeat sound or the deranged dialogue from your pursuers? It’s almost like the game’s ambience is having more fun than we are.
Хорошо, в виде добавленной фичи, особенно в экшен, это работает плохо - согласен, примеров куча. Но какое отношение плохая интеграция в TPS имеет отношение к самому жанру стелс? Есть вид игрового процесса где ты бегаешь и стреляешь, а есть где ты подкрадываешься к врагу и душишь. И не надо пудрить мозг тем, что это одно тоже или оно не может существовать раздельно. Жанру стелс по сути и 10 лет нет, я думаю ему ещё есть куда рости.
Minigames
Why they suck:
These integrated minigames proved to be popular enough to worm their way into almost every major game release since their inception. For every training camp simulation in Madden, you get Pipe Dream hacking bonanzas in BioShock. Have we really become so desensitized to normal gameplay that we need constant stimulation away from our constant stimulation?
Apparently. Enter minigame collections and their gaming experiences pared down to ADD-level bursts of excitement. “Casual” games now exist as a collection of life-wasters meant to demonstrate how smart you are or how fast you can pour mustard on a hot dog. If Grandma wants to play games, she should crack her arthritis-mitts over a controller and learn how to say “fag” over Xbox Live like the rest of us.
Опять речь идет не про мини игры отдельно, а про их интеграцию в другой жанр. Будь тогда уж добр называть все по честному: Миниигры в "больших" жанрах. А так обещаем ругать миниигры, а ругаем их родственников побирающихся на вокзалах как цыгани.
Cinteractive Cutscenes
Why they suck:
“Playing a cutscene” was an interesting and involving concept just a few years ago, but has since grown stale and has spread like cancer to games like Heavenly Sword, Spider-Man 3 and Manhunt 2. Whether it’s an interactive or non-interactive cinematic, these games highlight the fact that you’re still not in control of all the coolest moments.
You’re not dangerously hopping from rail to rail, you’re not actually stabbing that sadist in the throat, and you’re definitely not shoving the Sandman’s face into a subway train. As it stands, the developer has already crafted the moment and is just waiting for you to input commands like the videogame equivalent of Simon. Don’t even think about blinking ‘cause you’ll probably fail the sequence. And even after succeeding you still feel unsatisfied, even if the game rewards you for striking buttons like a trained chimp.
О, снова, когда-то интерактивные заставки были хороши, но сейчас подлые разработчики опять все испортили. Не надоело Шейн дурью маиться? Не все женщины с*ки!
Morphable polygons
Why they suck:
If there was ever a concept that grew and died within one game, it would be this one. The chief offender here being Stretch Panic, a game ridiculously designed around grabbing and stretching an enemy so the resulting snap-back would do damage. On the surface, the game mechanic doesn’t seem so bad; you did get to stretch incredibly large breasts to comedic effect - but what’s the point if the surrounding game is so awful?
With such an interesting and fresh idea, we praise the developer for being ballsy enough to take this concept forward, yet are disheartened by the abysmal content that pads the rest of the title. We’re still waiting for a proper taffy-pull breast game.
О, теперь Назад в будущее, да ещё с притянутой за уши притензии. С таким же успехом, я мог обвинить звукорежиссеров игр в том, что они пока ещё плохо справляются с контекстной музыкальной дорожкой. Ну так прогресс для того и придуман, чтобы люди учились и делали лучше.
Destructible environments
Why they suck:
That would be great; instead we get scenery that crumbles the same way every time alongside the same damn impervious walls. Essentially nothing has changed, except an increase in rubble.
As gamers, we already accept games as existing within a different reality - in this case, one in which buildings don’t give in to landmines. The promise of destructible environments invites a change - one where shit should blow up good. Yet when walls collapse with the same pre-scripted animation time and time again, alongside stable buildings that aren’t programmed to be demolished, then that doesn’t sit right with us.
Even if every form of infrastructure went kablooey, would it even matter? You could squash every building in Mercenaries, but it did nothing for us, while RTS Company of Heroes utilized every ruined area tactically. Perfect the feature or don’t advertise it.
Вообще шииикарно: "Разрущаемое окружение ГОВНО! В Mercenaries разрушай не разрушай ничего это не меняет. А вот в Company of Heroes эта фича прекрасно работает на игровой процесс. Но разрущаемое окружение все равно ГОВНО!" Опять разрабы обидили маленького Шейна. Хочеться ему чтобы мир был во всем мире, все девочки по нему сохли, а игры выходили без единого бага. Ну, ну...
3D
Why it sucks:
It’s not that we hate 3D, but rather what 3D has done to consistently set back gaming. Look no further than the same example 2D fanboys have touted for years - gameplay is just not as tight or refined. Every genre falls prey to jumbled collision detection, be it sports, FPSes, RPGs, action-adventures or otherwise. Nothing breaks the game world like half your body passing through a wall or bullets that magically strike enemies even though your aim was three feet off.
The principal offender in the shift to 3D gaming is the addition of control over what amounts to a second character. On one hand, there’s your main character, and on the other you have what the right analog stick was invented for; the camera. Platforming relies on careful planning, not split-second intuition. Shooters hide numerous enemies out of sight, resulting in frequent radar checks and exciting peering-around-the-corner dynamics.
Gaming is now about constantly readjusting. We can’t do anything without swinging that damn camera around for a proper view. Where’s the fun in that?
It doesn’t have to be like this, Nintendo, Microsoft, Sony and PC. We realize most of these entries are a Catch-22 situation - but if you want our hard-earned allowance, create something phenomenal. There’s the box; now think outside of it.
В глубине этой мысли, известной давным давно, есть доля правды, и довольно весомая. Однако это усложнение является побочным эффектом прогресса. И к нему надо приспосабливаться, чем и занимаются разработчики добрые 15-20 лет. Ты когда Шейн в школу ходил, вообще думал о том что тебе придеться самому зарабатывать на жизнь и решать за себя самого важные решения? Ну вот 3d можно рассматривать как взрослую жизнь, по сравнению с 2d детством.